Friday, June 11, 2010

Blog marathon post 9: My Grandma

"A garden of Love grows in a Grandmother's heart"
~Author Unknown

I was a jerk, I'm now and am sure I'll be.

I didn't give damn shit about anything two years back. I didnt value people and my world revolved around me. I'm learning now, learning the real values of little things that make a big difference.

My grandma, my daddy's mother...both she and my daddy are no more now. They are not with me. No one in this world knows that how sick i feel inside me for not being responsive to their love, care and trust when they were alive.

Today is my grandma death anniversay.(Somehow, I relate the word "Anniversary" with happiness and celeberation. I dont feel comfortable using that word to describe this event. Need someother word.) She loved me the most among all her grand children. I was her favourite. I hope I'm still her favourite.

She tried all her best to make me happy. I still remember all those things. It was sad that she couldn't stay with both of her sons in her last years. She couldn't cope up with both her daughter-in-laws. Though she stayed very near to her younger son, she was all alone. She lived in a seperate home, she made her own food, she was a daily wager even in her 60s and 70s.

I was deeply moved and was terribly angry when she was suffering from a dog's bite. I was visiting her when I was doing my undergraduation(UG, I think so). She was completely tired and exhausted. The local doctor( he is not even a doctor, he used to inject penicilin almost for all disease. He will wait for two to three weeks and if nothing gets better, he will ask them to go to a hospital in town), gave some penicilin injection and there was no one to take care. And with that leg she made me food and everything. When I think about that now, I'm deeply touched and I cannot forgive myself for the things I didn't do which I should have done.

She used to visit temples and places once in a year in January. Every year same places, same bus travels, same drivers, same guides and all that... She was the organizer in our village. She took me with her for six years. I still remember bits and pieces of those visits. I remember Kangai konda cholapuram( I never visited this place after that, afraid of losing that memory in my mind), Thanjai Periya Kovil, Vadalur and the bath in the cold well water, struggling to see the Jyothi in the crowd, those little tales of Ramalinga Adigal, those songs before the meals....these beautiful memories, these are all the things I'm left with about her.

Like a hutch dog, I used to follow her everywhere. I was her constant companion. She will drag me with her whenever she goes to relatives house. If the place we want to visit is in miles around, we will go by walk. My grandma's sister(GS), lives in a village. It is 7 kms away from our place. Whenever we visit GS, we will go by walk. Between these places, you can find three or four villages. Everywhere we have relatives. Just visiting GS's place is like visiting all these relatives. Whatever they are cultivating that time, like sugarcane, peanuts, corns... they will give us. Eating all the way and the fun talk with my grandma, I never felt tired. My GS or SG's(small grandma) place is near to a dry lake. We have to cross the lake to reach her. Once I reached the lake, I will start running. The happiness in both grandma's eyes...once we all together, I have no words.

She didnt expect much from me. Instead, even after I started earning, she used to give money to me. I didn't realize the value of those money that time. But I do now. She had only one wish. She wanted me to go with her to some temple to pay some tribute. But, we couldn't do that. As I told you, I was a jerk. Regretting now will do nothing.

I don't know how I'm going to tell her that I really loved her. I should have shown my love through my actions when she was alive. I hope somehow she knew that. I'm feeling heavy now.

Rest in Peace!!

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